Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Catholic Triumphalist Humor

Friday, November 03, 2006

Someone's In A Really Foul Mood Today

The following words and/or phrases will no longer be tolerated in my vicinity:

  • "Like" a la Tourette's: "Like, I was, like, asking myself, like, do I, like, like him, or like, what exactly, like, y'know? " Have you, like, considered seeing, like, a doctor for that?  I hear that they have some wonderful medications these days.

  • "Hella": Hella this, hella that... Hey buddy, how would you like to experience hella pain right now?

  • "My bad": Your bad what, you moronic surfer dude?

  • "Anal" or "anal retentive": Potty talk meets Freudian psychobabble. Say it one more time and my boot will connect with the associated region on your body with such force that you'll be retaining shoe leather for the rest of the month.

You have been warned.

Sea Monkey Funeral Announced

Funeral services were announced today for Dizzy the Sea Monkey by the Varenius Sea Monkey Farm. "With great sorrow, I must inform everyone that Dizzy the Sea Monkey has departed for the great sea monkey tank in the sky," said Farm owner Bernhardt Varenius. "We will sorely miss the scrappy little fellow."

Dizzy's body was found still and turning black at the bottom of his tank Monday night. The discovery was a blow to the Farm, which has fallen on hard times of late. After several months of successful sea monkey raising, the Farm's stocks suffered a massive die-off in September that still remains unexplained. Only two healthy sea monkeys, Dizzy and Ditzy, remained after the incident.

The Farm had hoped that the remaining pair would breed, but to no avail. "The two just didn't seem interested in raising a family," Varenius explained. "Perhaps we exposed them to too many episodes of 'Friends' and 'Will & Grace'."

Ditzy died a few weeks after the population crash, leaving Dizzy as the sole remaining sea monkey. Dizzy continued to grow in the empty tank, but appeared increasingly listless in his isolation, circling endlessly in the same corner. Varenius attributes this to grieving and loneliness due to Dizzy's loss of his mate. "Whatever the coroner may say, I know that Dizzy died of a broken heart," he says.

Funeral services will be held on Friday at Our Lady of Crustacea Catholic Church. In lieu of flowers, the Farm requests donations be made to the Stella Mare Sea Monkey Retirement Home.